Not and update

Today’s post will be kinda weird. You really don’t have to read it at all, but I’ve felt the strong need to write something like this for quite some time, so just let me do it and get over with it.


Imagine a situation – everything is going great. Maybe not perfect, because life is hardly ever perfect, but it was good enough. Future seems bright, everything is falling into place. You’ve got big dreams and you’re doing your best. Sounds amazing, right? But one day your dreams seem to be a little too big for others. „What do they know” you think an leave it be. You achieve some of your goals, move to different places. It’s as close to perfect as it could for the time being. Next thing you know, you’re getting tired. Really tired and you feel like you’re loosing control. You are so totally not used to it. Nevertheless, you try to grasp everything back and pretend nothing ever happened, but it’s becoming harder and harder to keep it at bay. You shout more often, you’re getting irritated easily. There is one problem – you never realize that you actually do that. You think that nothing changed, that you may be a bit edgy, but you blame it on stress. Then comes the day when you start crying. First, you’re not even sure why you cry, then you actually have a few reasons that look really bad at the time. It’s still getting worse, so you try to do something about it and then you hear it…

„Hi, I’m ChAD, you’ll live with me till the very end of your life”. Yup, sound like total fun. You try to tone it down, control it and it seems to work. It’s just some sickness, stop being over-dramatic. Your relationship end because of this, although your partner says it’s not the reason. However, what he pointed was all caused by sickness which you’ll learn much later. And then you realize it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve got worse problems than some guy, who couldn’t stand it. You can actually understand him up to some extend. Unfortunately, with time you learn new things about said sickness and you really don’t like it, but nobody asked you. You didn’t choose it. It was decided beforehand in your genes. You’re just unlucky. That’s it.

The fun part starts after depression faded. Or rather in so-called „mixed-faze”. Imagine being all for it and so energetic one day and crying just the day after. Imagine thinking that euthanasia should be given on demand and knowing you would be the one actually using the offer. Imagine feeling worthless for most of the time, if you’re not at the top of the world for the moment. It’s a constant riot in your head. You can’t tell whether this or that thought is purely yours or ChAD, your new best friend, is messing with you. You have no idea whether feeling good one day is indeed a good sign or a bad one actually. You’re really doing better or is it a pretty start of mania? You have a good plan and you want to put everything into place, but the next day you’re too energetic to care or too depressed to remember. What is left is waiting. Just waiting.

Think about family that you always wanted. Loving partner and kids, now all crushing down. Why? Who would want to stick with that kind of person? And even if, having kids is risky. You have 70% chances that you will pass this sickness down and that wouldn’t be just selfish. That would be pure cruelty on your part. You know how hard it is to live with that, so how could you willingly risk giving that to your own children?

And the worst thing about it all? You feel like you’re slowly going crazy and you dread as much as await the moment, when this sickness turns you terminally ill. But people will always say it was your choice. Was it really?

Welcome to my world.

Ilustracja: Anna Reinert Żródło: Gazeta wyborcza – strona internetowa

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